“Confessions of a Modern Day Scoundrel” A Story by Ryan Hurtt
10:47am
The alarm blared and forced me to open my eyes. Under normal circumstances I’d throw it halfway down the hallway. However I didn’t have it in me this particular morning. My name is Adam, I’m 26 years old and I’m just a guy. I live by myself in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment. I go to work, I sleep, and I even put my pants on one leg at a time.
I turned to my left and admired the blank spot that was left in my bed. I smiled to myself.
Another successful one-night stand, I swear that was the third one this week.
Judging by the lack of heat, I’d say she left hours ago. Good. That saves me that awkward interaction in which I try to dance around the fact that I can’t remember her name for the life of me.
… She could have at least made breakfast…
11:00am
Showers are less about physically cleansing and more about cleaning everything else. I take showers to clear my head, to wash off the failures of yesterday, to wash off the fact that I continue to throw myself around like a ragdoll. I’ve changed since I was a teenager. That’s for sure. I’ve dedicated the last 8 years or so to studying women. I’ve gotten up there in the business game, I’m pretty well set financially, I dress better, I’ve worked on confidence, charm, whatever. I’ve taken so many seminars and taken so many notes on people that I can tell what a girl is thinking before she even thinks it. Love? What’s that? I’m just out to have a little fun. And lately that’s all I’ve been doing.
I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. I wiped the mirror and stared at my reflection.
Flawless.
11:33am
There’s one room in my apartment that I refuse to go in. The second bedroom. It’s where I buried everything. I wasn’t always like this. I promise. My phone rang. It was my friend Mark telling me about some party going on tonight on the Upper East Side. Naturally, I’m not one to turn down an invitation to a good party. I told him I would come escort him. When I say the word “friend” I use it very loosely. Take a look through my phonebook for three seconds. I have more names than I can remember faces. Most of these people are just acquaintances.
I don’t think I have any real friends anymore. A lot of people couldn’t respect the man that I was becoming for one reason or another; they all began to drop off one by one. I find myself now surrounded by a sea of unfamiliar faces who only really want something from me. Of course how am I any different?
I found myself staring at the closed door to the second bedroom. I wanted to go inside. Just to take a peek and remember what was even in there. That room is full of nothing but days long gone. Tell me, what exactly is the proper mourning period for your old self? When do you finally throw some things away and completely move forward? There are still a lot of things that I refuse to let go of. And I guess that’s why I use that room. I and my old self have been growing apart over the last few years and now he lives down the hall. We’re estranged neighbors who don’t even know each other’s names anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days. Other times I wish I could wipe them from existence so I wouldn’t have anything to miss.
I like who I am right now. And so does the world. There’s not one person I’ve met who hasn’t liked me. What’s not to like? It’s all in the firm handshake, subtle look in the eye, and the easy smile. That’s usually a deal breaker within the first ten minutes of conversation. Every conversation is a simple game of minesweeper. And I have never lost a game of minesweeper. Ever. I can’t say if this is luck or skill. Whatever it is, it’s working.
8:26pm
The amount of thought that should go into the attire one wears to a party is mind boggling. Excessive coordination is next to godliness. Chances are if you’re severely underdressed, no one will even look in your general direction. I always put a stupid amount of effort into dressing well. If I told you how much money I’ve spent on suit jackets alone you’d flip a lid. You know how they say you have to spend money to make money? The same rules apply with people. You’ll only get out of people what you put in. It’s true. Another night, another party, another one night stand to be. I have to find something new. I’m getting too old for this shit. Maybe I’m like this because I’m protecting what I never want to have stolen again. I don’t want one world, but I’m too afraid to go back to the other one. I charged my phone and went to the corner store to pick up my survival kit of aspirin and an Arizona iced tea.
10:47pm
Ten years ago you wouldn’t have caught me dead in a place like this. You wouldn’t have caught me dead in a party period. As far as parties go, this one is an apocalypse with alcoholic lubrication. The host looks like a mixture between David Bowie and Zeus from Tron: Legacy. I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not however I feel like the completely white suit and cane should be a fair indicator.
“Free libations for everybody!!!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs
That settles it, it was completely intentional. Maybe he was offering free drinks so everyone would be too drunk to realize that this party is in awful taste. I had such an awareness of the playing field that it was sickening. I knew where everyone was going to go 5 minutes before they themselves knew. The brunette in the red dress by the booth is going to get up and powder her nose in three minutes if that guy sitting next to her doesn’t stop talking. The Asian girl standing by the piano looks like she is going to go home with the gentleman eyeing her across the room in about an hour or less. I decided to leave my seat by the bar and search for tonight’s target. It was awkward because I knew at least 20 girls at this party. And I knew more than half of them.
You know what’s really awkward? Everyone has one huge ex. What’s the proper length of the mourning period? What’s the protocol for being in the same room as them after an extended period of a time? It’s only been 6 years. Should I be normal right now? I’m not entirely sure. I should be drunk right now. Yes. That is exactly what I should be.
I immediately grabbed a glass of scotch from the bartender and made my way to the other side of the party. In the corner of my eye I could see David Bowie surrounded by a crowd of females and I could do nothing but raise my glass to the guy. I wondered if he was like me at all, or if he really was the person who he says he is.
And then there she was.
There was one girl, sitting all by herself not with a glass of liquor or whiskey. She simply had a glass of wine. The aura that she gave off was otherworldly. The electrifying bass emanating from the speakers served as nothing more than an amplifier for my heartbeat. The fact that she was sitting by herself either meant that every man at this party was retarded, or, every man at this party had already been shot down.
First thing I had to do was remove every sign of fear from my mind. A woman like her looks like she can smell fear from 5,000 yards away. It’s not that hard. Fear is a very controllable emotion, there’s an exact science to it. Fear tends to be the brakes that stop us from approaching whatever it is that we want. What happens when we remove the brakes though? Better yet. What happens if we’re not in the car to begin with? Nothing is in our way but us really. Once you can remove fear from the equation, interaction is simple. This is process is so simple even a child can do it.
11:22pm
As I walked over to her location I felt her eyes following me, I pretended not to notice until the last second. I felt a couple dozen pairs of eyes on my back as I continued to approach her. I didn’t realize what I was in for until I sat down. I couldn’t help it. Everything in her aura was pulling me towards her like a tractor beam.
“What are you drinking?” I asked her
“Moscat-“
“Can I get another Moscato over here?!” I yelled to the bartender
“That’s quite alright, I was getting ready to leave.”
“Would you like to stay and chat for a bit?
“So you can find the quickest way into my head and then my pants? No thanks. I’m quite alright.”
Kitty has claws… I was taken aback by her straightforwardness. But this initial difficulty was not something that I was used to. It was refreshing to say the least. This wasn’t going to be easy in the slightest.
“I just figured you wanted some company. A beautiful woman such as you shouldn’t be sitting by herself in the middle of this awesome party.”
She smiled at me.
“You’re full of shit. You’re not enjoying this party any more than I am. I can do without a 2-bit playboy wannabe trying to hit on me. Drop the act. Everyone knows you’re not who you think you are. You look like you spent 3 years changing yourself, 3 years changing your friends, and 3 years trying to be okay with the fact that you’re exactly what you said you’d never become. Whoever broke you deserves a medal because they sure did a number on you. I’ve never seen someone try so hard to cover themselves up in flashy attire and a cocky attitude.”
I sat there, jaw wide open.
“You have rookie eyes. Next time come to a party as yourself. This isn’t Halloween, bud. The name’s Louise by the way.” She told me
“Adam.”
“Pleased to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine.”
She got up and walked away. And as if the universe itself decided to throw me the largest “fuck you” in existence, my ex decided to walk by with her new boyfriend. The eye contact lasted for about three seconds but it felt like three hours. After all this time, she saw me at the lowest point I’ve been since we split. I don’t think I had ever taken a blow to my pride that hard. I completely lost my cool… What was it about this girl?
“Why am I not drunk right now?” I said to myself aloud
12:07am
At this point I couldn’t tell if I was drinking the whiskey or the whiskey was drinking me. Who am I? What am I? Well. I’m drunk. That answers one question. But I don’t think I’ve ever been able to think this clearly. I think I’m having what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. I could do nothing but sulk at the bar side as thousands of conversations went on in the room behind me. I didn’t care. I didn’t even want to be here anymore. What was I doing? Was any of this worth it? I have no friends, the idea of love doesn’t exist in my life, I’m more alone than I’ve ever been before because I drove everyone out. And I don’t let anyone back in because I use people before they use me. None of these conversations are about anything important. None of these people are genuine. I couldn’t tell if this was the alcohol talking or me. Actual me. Not the artificially produced me fortified by years of self-help books and fueled by an insatiable sexual appetite. There was something different about Louise. I just wanted to talk to her. I wasn’t looking for anything more. I wonder what would have happened if I told her that. It’s fine, it’s not like I can expect much better than this. It’s not like I deserve much better than this.
“Rough day?” a voice came from behind me
“Something like that.” I said, partially drunk.
“No sense in sitting here drinking yourself to death. Tomorrow’s a new day. A chance for a new start. A chance to be yourself.”
“I think it’s a bit late for that for me.?”
“Never too late.”
I turned around and Louise was on her way out. I saw two guys follow her and I immediately got up. Stumbling, trying to keep my balance and regain my composure.
12:29am
It was freezing outside, I was following the two gentlemen following Louise and as she realized that she was being followed she walked faster. To her dismay so did they. There were no people on the streets right now, no cops were out, and so I was the only witness to whatever was going on right now. They called after her with a mixture of whistles and cat calls and she only rolled her eyes and kept walking until one of them caught up to her and grabbed her by the wrist. I couldn’t hear anything that was being said from the distance I was but I quickly tried to catch up in my current inebriated state. They both had her by the wrist and she was struggling to get away. They began dragging her in one direction. At this point I was running as fast as I could.
“Leave her alone.” I said, out of breath
“Look buddy, you might want to turn around and go home. You wouldn’t want to mess up your nice suit now would you?”
“Your attempt to be hilarious is pitiful at most. If you have any bit of brain as you have muscle, you’ll let go of her and leave.”
“Or else what?”
“Or else I redecorate the pavement with your face.”
12:45am
“For the record, I didn’t piss myself; there was a puddle on the ground.” I said
“You should’ve just left. They could’ve killed you.” She said
I’m pretty sure I felt exactly like the hole of an ass. But I was glad that she was unharmed. My right eye was shut, my pants were ruined, and my shirt was ripped. I’m pretty sure that my body had been repainted with bruises. I know undressing is going to be the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
“Well. Thanks, seriously. You probably just saved my life.” She said.
“I’m a dick but I have a sense of justice. I wasn’t just going to turn a blind eye to that.”
“Some guys would.”
“Where’s your bag?”
“I don’t carry one.”
“Oh, I guess foxes travel light, eh?”
I waited for her while she called a cab. She said thank you again and went home. I was just glad she was ok. Right now, it didn’t even matter that I was still slightly drunk and looked like a mobile ground zero.
1:22am
There’s something magical about your favorite food at 1am. I was sitting on the pier eating a container of mac and cheese and pondering the massive crater in your life. I think that the cashier thought I was insane because I walked into the store with a black eye, a bloody nose, tattered clothing, and the only thing I got was a container of mac and cheese. She asked me if I wanted a band aid, I said I was just gonna let this ride out.
As I watched the ships disappear I decided that maybe it was time that I gave this up. Maybe she was right. I’ve been lying to myself for the longest time, and this isn’t what I really want. I used to be such a sucker for love. And now I’m just this… machine. Who did I change for? Did I change for myself or did I change for everyone around me? Maybe I’m just afraid I’ll get hurt again. Of course at this point I have nothing to lose. The bloody nose and black eye are a testament to that.
I don’t know what it was about this girl. She shot me down, hard. She got my face remodeled; she tore my world asunder and caused the sanctuary of my own ignorance to come crashing down around me. But I’ve never wanted to just know someone like I do with her. I’ve never just wanted to have a conversation. I would rather get to know her better than solve all of the world’s puzzles.
I didn’t ask for her number.
My frustration reached a fever pitch.
I got up and staggered home.
2:09am
I finally reached my door and dug through my pockets for my keys.
I left them at the bar.
Fuck.
2:33am
I got up in such a rush trying to follow her that I left my keys. I have to wait until morning to go get them. I was just tired. This has been such a shit day.
“Long night?”
No fucking way. I know that voice.
“Why are you here? Am I gonna get beat up again?”
“I live here, dude. 11th floor. Why are you here?”
“I live here, dude. 9th floor.”
“I guess my next question is why are you sitting in the stairway at 2am?”
“Because I’ve lost control of my life.”
“Great answer.”
“I left my keys at the bar when I got up to chase after you.”
“I am just trashing your world tonight, aren’t I?”
“Understatement of the century. I swear my mother told me women like you are dangerous. You should come with a warning label or something. Something that says “If you can’t take a punch, don’t talk to me.”
“Are you gonna bitch at me all night or do you want a place to lay your head till you can get your keys back?”
2:47am
“I guess this is the least I can do for getting you trashed earlier. I’m really sorry about all of this.” She said as she threw me an ice pack.
“No trouble at all, milady. But. Thanks.”
Every nerve in my body was screaming “fuck you” at the moment and my brain was running 300 miles a minute.
“Listen… I want you to know that… You were right. This persona that I’ve been projecting… This person who I’ve been trying to be. I’m not really like that. To tell the truth I don’t even remember who or how I really am.” I said
She looked at me, I felt as though her brown eyes were staring through my soul. She finally said
“You just look like you’ve had your heart broken enough times to want to be the bad guy for once. You look like you used to be a real sweetheart but after that stopped working and you started getting stomped, you looked for the self-preservation route. Everyone likes being the asshole sometimes. You took it to the extreme. You changed yourself; you changed your clothes, hair, friends, and philosophies. You hid your true self away. I’m not here to tell you whether what you did was right or wrong. But was it worth it?”
“I don’t know! It was fun for a while, it was great. But it turned into the same thing over and over again and I was expected to hold this mask up because this is what I became known as! This is who I am now. And frankly, I hate it.” I was frustrated, and with good reason. I was completely bare in front of this girl who I knew nothing about.
“Why do you know so much about me?”
“Your eyes say it all. Even right now. That and you just told me. I wish I met you when you were still you. You have a good heart. I can just tell.”
“How?”
“You got beat up for me. That’s usually a good indicator.”
“Oh…”
“There are enough assholes in the world. Maybe you should try just being yourself, Adam. You might find that the world can be a completely different place if you just let yourself out.”
“I wish I met you when I was a kid. I probably wouldn’t be like this.”
“It’s important that you lived your life the way that you have. Those scars are a testament of the lessons you had to have been taught one way or another. For what it’s worth. You’re stronger now because of them. I couldn’t have deprived you of those lessons. What you can do now is move forward and make a fresh start. You’re not nearly as bad of a guy as you’d like to believe.”
“Thank you. Really”
I fell asleep.
10:45am
Maybe it was time I went back to being me. This shower would wash away the last of this persona that I spent years developing. I wanted to go back to the old me. But I knew it wouldn’t even be that simple. But I knew where to start. I was supposed to go meet Louise for lunch later but I had business to take care of first.
11:00am
I stood outside the door to the second bedroom. I turned the knob slowly and opened the door. When I looked inside I couldn’t help but smile.
Hah. So this is what I left behind.
